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WARNING:  SERIOUS, PASSIVE-INTENSE PAIN RANT


i don't even know how to start, but i needed to put it down somewhere...
again, like always although i don't usually put it on the screen through the
keyboard, i just feel worthless.  worthless worthless worthless~
i'm very bipolar lately.  i feel high on getting better at art, and i feel high
when i complete or make further progress in my book plots, ...
or when i get a good grade on a test or project or progress report. (yeah,
well, that last bit hasn't happened in a long while).

but then i get
all ... crappy feeling, like i am now.  for no good reason?  or is there a
reason?  usually happens when my dad blows up at me, which TOTALLY
HAPPENED AGAIN TODAY.  i ... it's not even really triggered, which is
the worst part.  i can never tell when he's gonna be all ... "asshole," for
lack of better term.  today it was because of cleaning.  cleaning..
*holds head* ahhhhh i'm tired of being so fake.  all i do is screw up no
matter what i do.  i hate pretending that it's all okay when he says
sorry like 2 hours after it happened, but it's only because respect for his
ass is on the line.  maybe he's trying, but sometimes that's so not enough.
but when i don't say anything, he guilts me like i'm... like i am, i guess:
A PIECE OF CRAP.  so i say it's all okay, but it never really is... though there's
a thin layer of forgiveness, i am way too seasoned in this game to believe
it's the end of it.  it just happens again and again and i'm so friggin SICK
OF IT ahhh~~ it's better now.  but all i do is walk on eggshells, all i've ever
done, i guess.  

i'm told to be myself, but when i am, all i get is repercussion.  all.  i.  get.
and then there's the fact that i'm disgusting.  that's a downer, too.

and what's worst, is it's hardest to talk to the people i like most.  it hurts to
even know i'm being thought about by them--scrutinized, maybe even loved.  i
always coward away from my close friends in the end.  HURT.  and not in the
hurts-so-good way in which i'm a total masochist.  wow.  so not even a poser.
wish i was -___-;

psh.  does anyone else hate me, besides me?

~fresh4u & ~licoricesnake, you guys rule.  just had to say *random..but not entirely*  sorry if i don't talk frequently.  truth is, i'm scared out of my mind.  it's like what kingdom hearts says in the beginning, right?  "the closer to the light you get, the bigger you shadow becomes."  which btw is probably total hollow words, in that they
sound cool but mean total squat, but still.  that's how it feels.

aaaand that's it, i guess.  thanks to anyone who plowed through to the end.  i collapse
like this sometimes.  and my only solace is total shallowness and immersion in things
that don't involve feeling--only involve thinking, processing, building.  it's like a
poor substitute.  but it's good enough for me.

ein out.

PS: i'm not looking for advice or anything.  i just had to be honestly emo.
i'm shamelessly clever enough to know how to deal with this crap, since i've
dealt with it since before who knows how long ago.

PPS:  i also don't like when i'm grilled about this stuff and given wholesome, healthy
advices.  or made to talk real-time one-on one about it, so sorry if i don't come onto
MSN or such often.  That's why.

PPPS: there's other stuff, too.  i probably won't go into things very deeply on dA,
because that's just inappropriate to the general public (and as if this isn't..ha).  but...
i can't help but feel...
that some of these problems are trivial.  but they are so deeply ingrained that
they irritate... but... i'm too scarred over to dig up the retarded irritation tissue
because that would just screw up so much more.  and becoming a different person
does not appeal to me very much... SO UH.  no change plans, plx.

pppppppppps:  i don't know what to say if you've read this.  boring, right?
should i say thanks?  because i am honored you spent time... or should i say sorry
that i've wasted your time on a total downer and now you're all like, "ein.  there
are children starving in countries which you TOTALLY have proven you do not
inhabit just by having access to a computer to WRITE THIS."  what i can say is,
you're one of the reasons i am happy, or that i dare to keep on going.  because,
i'm an entertainer.  i find value in myself, if others find value in things i do.  if they
enjoy my work, my art or writing or humor or theater.

but when they don't?  no, i don't hurt.  i just see darkness again.
and that's totally not to guilt trip to get comments.  just, if i can't even find a way
to keep my spirits up because there is no place for that thing i must do,
then what?  circumlocute some more, i guess.

<--*hangs head in shame*




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LIST TO DO:
- KIRIBAN 66,666 for !terrornight (omgosh i'm so bad i knowww @_@; !!)
- misc. gifties.. I want them to be surprises, though ._.!!
- become something unlike trash -_____-

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+People Who Make My Heart Beat Faster!!+




<-- SORRY IF I FORGOT YOU.  TELL ME SO THEN;;;;

+Fellow Writers!+


+Clubs!+


+FanClubs!+ <--lol LOSER;;


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by ~chonny & ~fresh4u !!! <-- WOAH. undeserved, not even exaggerating.
thank you guys x3